Things I Never Talk About Online

Today I thought I would switch things up a bit. Often those of us who decide to showcase our lives on social media stay within our boundaries. We choose topics to share with the world and we stick with them. Fashion, beauty, skincare, travel, all of these find themselves apart of a daily discussion online. More and more recently people have begun honing in on niche topics or getting really REAL with their followers. Topics like mental health, anxiety, depression, and the real “I woke up like this” pictures are starting to surface and I think this is a shift we most certainly need to see in the world of social media. It can be very hard for someone who chooses to share their life online with people who they don’t even know to open up about topics that may be taboo or controversial in fear of letting your followers down, causing uproar, or even receiving hate, but the thing is, I am sure some people at home may be feeling or thinking the same thing. That is why I am going to be opening up a bit in this post. Not just in the name of transparency, but also because I know I am not alone in these things. The people who may disagree or not understand always seem to be the loudest in terms of feedback, but I want to put that aside and share some things I never share on social media. So, grab a glass of wine or a water with some lemon, grab a comfy blanket, and curl up because this is a long one but it’s a good one, I promise. Especially if you want some DIRT on me. We all love a little dirt, right?? I am spilling a lot…maybe too much?

My Faith-

I hardly ever talk about my Christian faith online. Here and there I will post something that has tugged at my heart and I know a lot of you know I am a Christian, but that is pretty much the extent of which I have shared. My faith is deeply rooted, especially in these last couple of years of my adult life. I should note however that it wasn’t always that way and I am going to be doing a post about my Faith journey really soon and the major struggle I faced along with what got me through which ended up being due to the best advice I have ever gotten from a high school teacher-more to come soon. Anyway, I am such a faith based person, I can look at a situation and believe 100% that God has this and he is going to provide or bring me to the best situation or conclusion for me. I don’t stress about the future nor do I stress about the world ending or how I might die because I believe wholeheartedly no matter what happens is supposed to happen for a reason. I believe in LOVE. The Bible references LOVE more than anything in the Bible and that is what I try and emulate my life after; loving others, loving myself, and loving the LORD. Never have I ever gotten caught up in issues that may seem like a “Christian rule” as so many things that people often associate with the basis of Christianity are referenced in the old testament or are merely referenced once or can be taken out of context. As a Christian I am called to be like Jesus, and Jesus was, is, and forever will be love LOVE; to anyone, for anyone; a love without borders.

Why I choose not to talk about it on social media is because for me, my faith is so personal and I also know there are all of different people out there and I would never want to make anyone uncomfortable or feel like I am pushing something on them. I know, some of you might think, why don’t you use your platform to speak HIS truth and reach people? For me, I know I have a different calling than trying to evangelize online. I am NOT devaluing this at all, and I love people who use their platform to speak about their faith because it can be so powerful and we for sure need that, but for me, I would much rather sit down, face to face, and spread His love in that way. Again, this is just me personally and it is not me ignoring God and neglecting to use my voice for Him, I just chose to go about it differently.

Secondly, I don’t feel that it is necessary to be posting IG stories every time I am at church, every time I read a powerful devotional, or speak about every encounter I have with God. When I am at church, reading a devotional, or praying, I am all in. I am all in and in those moments it is just me and God and there is no need to be taking my head out of those moment to document on social media.

Keegan and I-

As you might know, Keegan and I have been together for four and a half years now, coming up on five years. CRAZY! How can something seem like forever but also has flashed by in the blink of an eye?! I’ve gotten a lot of questions lately about what our future plans are, which honestly is a hard question for me to get. If you know me, I am a planner. I like to have plans, exit plans, and exit plans for my exit plans-I am a bit much, I know. So, obviously I had a life plan, right?? You know I did! I had everything planned out until I was about 45. I know, have a laugh. But I had to really reevaluate those about a year to six months ago when I realized that Keegan wasn’t on the same page as me. Granted we had never really made mutual plans together, I selfishly thought he would just go along with whatever I had in store for us. Doesn’t the guy usually just go along with the woman?? I even laugh at myself now. This is actually a really hard pill for me to swallow because I was really set on my plans happening, but I promised you I would be transparent so here it goes. I had a plan to get engaged this summer, I even concocted different variations of how it might happen in my head and then next summer we would get married. I would spend my senior year making wedding plans and this summer would be the happiest summer of my life and I would be getting married at the perfect time, just out of college so Keegan and I could seamlessly move in together after getting married. If you know me, you know I don’t want to live together before we get married (yes, I know we are currently living together now in SF, this won’t continue when we go back home), call me a hypocrite, it’s fine. Anyway, my plan was perfect, at least logistically and according to my plan. The reality is however, I was making plans alone, not involving Keegan, and when the conversation came up and I proudly shared my plans thinking he would jump on board, he looked at me like I was off my rocker. THIS WAS SO HARD TO SWALLOW. It’s actually hard for me to even admit it because looking at it now it’s so foolish and selfish of me. Plus, at the time it felt like 100% rejection. Rejection that Keegan didn’t want to get married, rejection that he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with me. I didn’t understand. How can you be with someone for so long and you haven’t even considered getting married? What if years go by and you still don’t know if you want to get married? Why do you get to decide when we get married? Just because you are the last one ready? Am I wasting my time?

I understand now. It wasn’t about him rejecting me and it wasn’t about him not wanting to marry me, it was about the phase of life we are in and quite frankly, most dudes need a little nudge in the right direction anyway 😉 (The conversation of me proudly proposing our life plans, instead of making plans, it at least planted the idea in his mind). Getting married wasn’t even on Keegan’s radar screen, not because he didn’t care, but because we are in such a great phase of life, each individually and together, that it’s hard to think about changing things up. It’s not a lack of love, it’s waiting for the right time. We are so young still (however I’ve been telling people I’m really old and getting wrinkles, hello being 22…JK), we have so much to look forward to, and who the hell knows who we will be individually and together in even just a year. Things change drastically and it has become very clear to me why things aren’t happening how I had planned, and I know, there is a much better plan out there for Keegan and I and I am going to be taking the back seat on planning this one.

Anxiety? Depression? I surely don’t struggle with that!!-

The title kinda says it all, in the most sarcastic way possible. I think it is only as of recently that people are beginning to speak up about their mental struggles, especially anxiety and depression. Before we get into it, let me set the stage for you a little bit with my experience. I am a “normal” person. I grew up “normally”, I never had any pressing issues, I don’t have daddy issues, I don’t have any past traumas, I never struggled in school or social settings (I’m shy but that doesn’t count), hell, I’ve never even broken a bone. I have been really blessed in these ways. With that being said, I’d say it’s safe to say, I don’t really go to the doctor nor have I ever seen a therapist. I’m actually the type of person who if someone gets hurt or anything I chalk it up to them having a low pain tolerance and being a baby. Pop some ibuprofen and get on with your day, we don’t have unlimited hours in our life so why stop and tend to something that really isn’t all that bad?? This is me in a nutshell. Just ask Keegan anytime he gets “sick”. I didn’t use air quotes lightly. The point is I don’t have issues and I don’t need help. HA.

The first time I actually ever experienced something “unusual” was last Fall. So I was 21 and going into my junior year of college, I mean, if I hadn’t had “issues” up to this point, they surely wouldn’t start now!! And to hell with acknowledging what was going on or doing something about it because I was probably just being dramatic. The more time went on though it was really hard to be happy, for NO REASON AT ALL. I’m not talking happy like when you walk into disneyland happy, I’m talking motivated to get your day going happy. At the time I chalked it up to my heavy school load (it was a killer, and I don’t say that dramatically), summer ending, the weather changing, and just a transitional time of the year. It never really occurred to me at first that this might be something more than that. Because why? I don’t have issues. Turns out I was the perfect example of someone with seasonal depression. It made so much sense after researching and really diving into what it was and what causes it. I didn’t go on meds and I never talked to anyone about it because I knew it would pass, and it did, but it was hard. I am nervous going into Fall this year but now that I am aware of what I was feeling, I can approach it in a healthy way.

I am not an expert on depression, and I don’t suffer from it on a daily basis. I don’t suggest doing what I did and not talking about it (even if you experience it just for a short period of time) or finding an outlet of support. I’m not a doctor and I don’t know enough about this for anyone to take advice from me, I am just sharing my story.

I don’t have issues Pt. 2. WOW, you guys we are really getting to know one another now. Well, more like I’m sharing my dirty laundry with you and you get to sit back and enjoy the dirt. Call it what you want!

Anxiety. What a topic. Did you know, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America that 40 million people over the age of 18 deal with some form of anxiety? That is crazy! Turns out, I’m one of them. It was really only in the past 6 months that I started to feel anxious the way I do now. Let’s get one thing straight first though, I’m not talking about stress, I’m talking about anxiety. I mean, I believe we as Americans are stressed out to some degree all the time, it’s just our lifestyle, but that’s not what I am referring to here. I’m talking when you are sitting in Buffalo Exchange selling some clothes and your heart can’t stop racing and you can’t stop shaking, then when you go to move you can’t then they are almost ready for you to come claim your money and you just can’t…for NO REASON. I’m talking on the way to the airport sitting in the back of the Uber telling Keegan I don’t know what’s going on because I’m freaking out and my heart is going to beat out of my chest and I can’t calm down. That is what I am talking about. You know when you are crying so hard that you can’t stop to catch your breath? It’s a similar feeling to that minus the tears and ugly crying face. It’s not a constant thing for me, thank God, but it comes out of nowhere and I can never predict it. How is it that I am 22 years old and my whole life I never had to deal with these things and all of a sudden out of fucking nowhere these issues hit me?? I don’t know, but I’m learning to deal. I recently actually asked you guys on Instagram your favorite tips for anxiety (by the way SO many of you sent me tips so thank you) and I quickly shared some of those things along with my favorites, but I will be doing a post about that soon, including why I think CBD is beyond beneficial and even THC at times (for those 21+ in legal states). I’ll leave you there on that controversial note.

Love you all! Thank you for letting me share these very vulnerable topics with you guys. I hope if you have ever felt the same way as me or have dealt with similar things that you know that you are not alone.

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